Once I Was a Carpenter

God – it can be so hard to know which way to go in life sometimes. Some decisions are harder to come by than others, harder to find the resolution when there are so many conflicting messages flooding your mind.

What do you want, and what do you want right now. I heard that ages ago – can’t recall where – probably Suzie Orman or something (he he). I love it though – it’s become my mantra when I have a hard time making a decision. Or when I want to go out and buy something and not tell my husband. 😉 It’s my restraining tool.

I’ve found though, that when it’s something BIG, that mantra can still work, but the answers don’t come as easy. Looking at a snickers bar. What do I wan’t – flat abs. What do I wan’t right now – carmelly goodness with some peanuts on top. But when it comes to fork in the road type of decisions – I sit there – saying this in my head, desperate for some clarity, but it’s fleeting, and not all that insightful.

Right Decision
Right Decision

In complete and total honesty. This spring is getting me down. Or should I call it the extension of our winter. But beyond the weather, I’ve been asking myself some difficult questions. What do you WANT Mary, what do you want right now. I was telling Jay the other day, I think the more you start to hone in on exactly what it is that you DO wan’t – this question actually becomes more difficult, because what you want, and what you want at this very moment – may be exactly the same thing. But maybe that is just a cop out for asking myself the hard questions. Maybe that’s me just turning off and trying to find a resolution.

I love my husband. I love him so much and I can’t wait for the future ahead. I think sometimes though he has a hard time understanding how the mind of this woman works. That’s alright, I guess, since I scratch my head a good deal at his antics as well. But it’s funny how I can be so phenomenally indecisive and yet so very certain at the same time. I’ll yap Jay’s ear off for 2 hours and tell him all about my plans I’ve made, how they are really set in stone now, that he shouldn’t really bother trying to persuade me otherwise. Being the obliging guy he is, he just nods, maybe offers a word of caution or two. The next day, I tell him I’ve changed my mind. Off to the next plan. It’s rather dangerous territory. I guess it’s really that some things in life are easy to change, some things are not. Some things are more permanent, or harder to reverse at least, so I better gosh darn be sure I am setting my foot down in the right place.

Case A: We need to move to North Caroline TODAY, Jay

Especially this spring. God. It’s taking everything within my being to not grab my suitcase and set up shop in our idyllic future right now. I’ve always been an obsessive weather tracker (I blame it on my bike commuting to work, but really, it probably has more to do with my control freak like tendencies) and lately I’ve been noticing that every. single. person. on my facebook newsfeed seems to live in a climate that is 30 degrees warmer than mine. Ohio – 83 degress today. Swear to God, I just checked. Our friends that live in Athens, Ohio posted pictures of themselves out on the lawn – sunbathing – while I am still wearing my mittens and watching flurries scatter around me. 3 hours south of me. Tell me – where is the justice in that. (At least this is what the weather looked like when I wrote this post last week – the 10-day forecast holds more of the same…)

So I picture this life for us. This perfect life for us. We wear summer dresses (actually, probably just me) in February and have tomatoes and fresh greens from our garden in April. We smile every day, because the sunshine warms our hearts and makes us happy from the inside out. I already picked out our house, do you like it?

Raleigh Real Estate
Raleigh Real Estate

I’ve been struggling so much lately with what I want for us. For me. For our future.

I feel this incredible tug lately to set roots. To feel like the present is not only good enough, that it is everything I ever wanted and more. My wildest dreams come true. But what is it that roots you in life – will I ever feel it, ever feel truly grounded in the present, enough to be rooted. The trouble with a perpetual dreamer like me, is the dreaming is never done, is it. Always something to reach for. To try and reach out and grasp. Problem though with this root setting desire is that I don’t know what it is I want to do that will “root” me. I think why I am struggling so much with these next steps – is because I am desperately afraid that I’ll still have this awful sense of foreboding and indecision sitting in my belly after I take the plunge.

Words of Wisdom
Words of Wisdom

As I feel this tension within me (what do I want, what do I want right now) I’m sincerely struggling with the next steps to take in this journey of life. Will the next steps I take lead to happiness, or only more searching. Actually, I’m totally ok with the searching aspect, but the uneasyness that current sits inside me, that I could do without. More than anything, I’m realizing that I desperately want to be happy. To FIND happiness in whatever path I chose. To find a sense of content. But goodness, that can be hard for my type – even impossible, maybe. If you gain the content – do you lose the drive? Or can you have both – still searching for the answers…

This song has become my mantra the past week.

I ain’t from Texas, but I made my way from Dallas
And I know the lonesome sound is following
I ain’t a gambler, but I can recognize a hand
And when to hold, when the queens are staring back at me

Once I was a carpenter, man my hands were calloused
I could swing a metal mallet sure and straight
But I took to the highway, a poet young and hungry
And I left the timbers rotting where they lay

Forever I will move like the world that turns beneath me
And when I lose my direction I’ll look up to the sky
And when the black dress drags upon the ground
I’ll be ready to surrender, and remember
Well we’re all in this together
If I live the life I’m given, I won’t be scared to die

And I don’t come from Detroit, but her diesel motors pull me
And I followed till I finally lost my way
And now I spend my days in search of a woman we called purpose
And if I ever pass back through her town I’ll stay

Forever I will move like the world that turns beneath me
And when I lose my direction I’ll look up to the sky
And when the black dress drags upon the ground
I’ll be ready to surrender, and remember
Well we’re all in this together
If I live the life I’m given, I won’t be scared to die

And my life is but a coin, pulled from an empty pocket
Dropped into a slot with dreams of sevens close behind
And hope and fear go with it, and moon and the sun go spinning
Like the numbers and fruits before our eyes

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