No Other Babe Will Do

See, I thought I’d be this poised, confident, ready to take on the world pregnant woman. I thought that I wouldn’t worry, that I’d be certain in my ability to bring this boy into this world, in my body’s ability to carry him and my heart’s ability to provide space for him. But, quite frankly, I’m not. I’m scared. That I can’t do it, that my body will fail me, that I won’t be here for this baby from the first second he needs me. It scares me to the brink sometimes, just takes it all from me and shakes me to my core.

I thought I would be confident and brazen and ready, but I do worry. During my anatomy scan the Dr’s measured my cervix and found it was 3.2 cm – for the record – that’s totally normal. Anything between 3-5 cm, is totally normal. But I saw that low end of normal number and ever since then I’ve just been so damn worried that my body is going to fail this boy. That I’m somehow just not going to be able to get him to the entrance gate of this beautiful, wonderful life. A life I want so badly to share with him. A life I now, can’t picture without him.

Be Brave

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I count down the weeks now until viability, when he’ll be able to make it outside of me if my cervix fails and he joins the party early. I know it’s probably irrational, but damn, do I feel it. If I have a night with more Braxton Hicks than normal, I totally freak. This is it, I think. You’re going into labor and baby boy won’t make it. All because your body couldn’t hold out a few more weeks.

So I worry, and I cling to hope and I create irrational dialogues in my head. Because, so badly, I want to be enough for this little boy. I want to be the mother he needs, I want my body to provide for him. I want him to come into our home and be happy and healthy. My heart has so much space for him, more than I think I know what to do with. I just need him here with us. I just need a happy, healthy baby home and here with us.

courage

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See the thing is, I know as this pregnancy progresses, that I more or less need to get used to the worry. The love you feel built up, the fierce love and deepest desire to protect this human – is so incredibly real. I know after he’s here that I’ll worry too. But God, is it a vulnerable love, and that vulnerability can just shake you sometimes. So as I inch toward the 3rd trimester (still 6-weeks away) – could I ask of all of you to send me some good vibes. I’m new to this mama thing and need all the extra strength I can get.

You Got This

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18 thoughts on “No Other Babe Will Do

  1. You’ve got this Mary. The love you have for this little guy will carry you through. There is no greater love – and he’s lucky to have mom love him so much already.

  2. I bled with Aiden for 3 weeks when I was about 13 weeks along. It was terrifying. They were talking about bed rest and possible meds, everything that’s not supposed to happen to you when you’re pregnant. But let me tell you, that boy held out until 4 days before his due date and came out a whopping 6 lbs 5 oz and was so amazed and ready for the world he didn’t even cry. Don’t worry, your body knows what it’s doing. Relax and let nature do what it’s meant to do. Henry is already as stubborn as his momma and as driven as his papa.

  3. Its amazing that even just being pregnant with them, they already take up a space in your world, and its huge. Its totally normal to worry. You got this girl! We are so excited for you and we cant wait until we get to meet him, (but we can wait). Sending you strength and love from Michigan!

  4. No worries… you got this! Totally normal to feel this way. When I was pregnant and worries would overcome me, I just kept trying to remember how women have been giving birth for thousands of years. Sending good vibes/wishes your way!

  5. I don’t know what to say to make you feel braver because I was in your shoes a year ago. I was the crazy lady in birthing class who wrote “dying in labor” on my note card when the teacher asked us our fears about birth and parenting. Our bodies are amazing and strong, and I’m sure your will do what it needs to do. Just keep on keeping on, mama 🙂

      1. It’s amazing what your body can do even when you haven’t slept in over 24 hours, you’ve puked up your dinner, you’re hooked to an IV, and you’re experiencing pain like no other. I read somewhere that you should think of labor as a journey/challenge you’re taking with your baby. I would say to myself (and my little girl), “We can do this!” You and your strong man can do it too!

  6. Mary, try not to worry, everything will be just fine! Your body will know what to do, and you have docs and nurses to help you out. Try to enjoy these last 6 wks with Jay, just the two of you. It’s a special time!

  7. Oh Mary! I remember feeling all of these “things” and so much more. You see, I’ve been a labor and delivery nurse for 23 yrs, yet when it came to my body and my pregnancy, I shrank. I shrank into somebody I didn’t recognize or know. I wasn’t that person with all of that knowledge. So, give yourself a break because it will be okay. You’re okay AND normal. I’m sending you a big warm hug because I know that’s all we need sometimes. Feel all the love and prayers that we are sending your way.

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