Looking for Some Perspective

So something I’m learning about myself is that I’m an all or nothing type of gal. I’m feeling good, I’m feeling bad. I’m up, I’m down. I’m left, I’m right. Pretty sure there is a medical term to describe my mental state, but ya know, everyone’s got something 😉 So I started blogging a few months back with the intention of like, OWNING it. One blog post a week. Ha, ha, ha, ha. No way, Jose, I had to do five. Five blog posts a week. I wanted to be all legit, like what what. Go big or go home. But ya know what. I got tired, and I started to feel my pendulum breaking off onto the nothing side. And I hate that. I hate when I can feel something dying and not coming through. Like I failed at something I really wanted to be excellent at.

I went with my Mom and my kid sister (who is now decidedly less of a kid, since we were going to celebrate her 21st birthday with a beer at the Madison union, Mumzie’s alma mater) and when we were away, on our 3-day girls vacation I was sitting in my grandmother’s living room and I picked up a book, and just started reading it and had an a ha moment. It felt good to sit down and read. To take my mind off the constant whizz around me and find something else to escape into. Something about hanging out at the old folk’s home can put things in perspective for you. This is my grandmother. I love her so much.

Grandma

I came away with this little tried and true gem – Life is way too damn short to do anything other than what you absolutely love. And the problem, I’m learning, with a girl like me, is that as I get older, I find it harder to strictly define my passions, and my interests, into a straight forward and purely productive bucket of purpose. On one hand, I’m absolutely, positively crazy sauce about what I do for a living, which is help design and facilitate (more so facilitate) sustainable communities that are less car dependent, more economically robust, and happy, healthier and wealthier to boot. What can I say, all those practical things together in one happy package with bicycle wheels on it just had me at hello.

On the other hand, I’m absolutely, positively crazy sauce about designing a beautiful, simple and sustainable home, so much so, that I consider it often as another career. Not designing spaces (i.e. interior designer, per say) but renovating HOMES. Buying the ugliest brute on the block and making it an asset to the community. A place where people would want to move to, and raise their families at, and become part of a community at. Ideally, a tight knit community like the one I described above, where there are more bikes than cars and everyone is happy, happy. A girl can dream, no?

When I was younger, my opportunities to make the wrong decision felt more limited. You’re 18, go to college. You’re 22, marry the boy you’ve been with since you’re 16 (I know, high school sweet hearts, it’s true). You’re graduated from college, find a job. Wan’t a better job, go to graduate school. But now, as I get older, I start to think back and wonder if I’m on the exactly right trajectory, the precisely right path. Since I’m such a black and white girl, my acceptable margin of error is small. Teeny weeny. I mean, I feel like I’m close, but I also feel like something is not quite there. I need something more, and I’m so stumped because the girl who is confident she knows everything, doesn’t know what that more is. I don’t know what is missing.

Wedding Picture

I do know, that I’m searching for more balance and that 3 blog posts a week (Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or something like that…), is going to be the name of my game for the foreseeable future. Forgive me, but some middle ground is what this girl is searching for.

So each day, I pray for a little more peace. A little bit more capability to breath in and breathe out and to cherish each moment instead of wistfully wasting them away. For purpose and direction. For fulfillment and understanding. I think I’m getting closer, but I’m looking for a moment to rest and gain some composure, and hopefully, find my direction.

Family

6 thoughts on “Looking for Some Perspective

  1. This post was very refreshing to read. And for me, very relatable. I have the great job, the great husband, a hour we love…but approaching 30 I’m trying to figure out what I really want to do. Which passions I really want to pursue. Which is kinda why I don’t let my blog fit into a mold because in a way, it’s helping me figure out what I’m most passionate about!

  2. Great post! I resonate with this too! I’ve been thinking about writing on how life tends to explode the expectations we’ve grown up with. Not in bad ways exactly b/c we tend to discover that life is helping us to figure out our own unique path. But life has more mundanity to it than we imagined and that’s hard to cope with b/c we want so much out of life and each other.
    Well, sorry for that long tangent! Anyway, I hope you continue to find more balance and peace.

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